We would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright.
A Moveable Feast
I know if I sit here and wait for your apology I’d be here until I was buried six feet below. I’ve been waiting for something I know deep down won’t come, but something in the back of my heart is asking me to stay, to wait. I wish your absence was heavy enough to silence my pleading, but each morning I wake with a new optimism that makes me the most foolish person alive. The feeling you left me with wasn’t a punch through the heart, hollowed out and empty, it wasn’t a precise puncture like that, it was ragged and dicey, messy and amateurish. I feel as though you left me bleeding on the side of the road waiting for you to come back because you’re the only person that would know how to fix this wound.
I will not apologize for feeling hurt. I will not feel irrational or wrong because of what you did. I don’t expect a parade of raining little gift boxes or the grandest gestures found in fairy tales. No, my expectations aren’t expectations at all. It’s basic human decency, an act you’ve failed to give to me.
In all actuality, I just wanted a simple apology. I wanted you to pick up the phone, dial my number and give me a genuine, “I’m sorry,” I wanted to be something that meant enough to you for you to actually give a shit about, but shame on me for thinking otherwise.
Do you know how you’re making me feel? I feel unimportant, secondhand and insignificant. Not only did you break my trust, you also left when I needed you the most and now you continue to break my heart over and over again.
It’s been six days and I haven’t heard a single word out of you. Six days where I have woken up bright eyed, waiting for you only to end up going to bed in tears of another day wasted, another day of waiting.
I know, I know that waiting fight in me is dying out I don’t think I can hold onto something so important to me, but holds no meaning whatsoever to you.
Call me pathetic, call me naive, stupid and pitiful but I’m the person who can admit when she has made a mistake. Can you?
It’s become very clear that my mistake was ever loving any of you.